Current mood:	calm
Current music:	death to death ++ stars

edit: and since my lj scrapbook got deleted because my paid account expired, my layout is dead. and i have no extra space for icons anymore. so please go ahead and add all__creation. i'll post another notice later because i have a feeling people just skim over my long and rambling entries.

so i think i am really a failure at everything, haha. it turns out i got turned down for acapella, probably in accordance to some heavily biased system that is going on over there. there is always some sort of strange corruption in musical hierarchy. but i don't even know if i want to talk to the music teacher and ask why i didn't get in. i somehow feel like that is rubbing salt into an open wound. the bottom line is this: i just wasn't good enough. period. why must i be lectured or told what i did wrong or how i was wrong? i suppose a reason to go is pure curiosity, but on the contrary to popular belief, i DO have something to lose and that is the rest of my dignity.

and my college counselor wonders why i have no activities. because i simply get rejected from every single one of them that requires an audition!

now i could've just sulked and felt sorry for myself and cried but i really don't care anymore. so i am not good enough. i don't think it is possible to be not good at everything. i suppose maybe this whole situation is biased and ridiculous and i should just forget about it.

though i do have a kind of objection to rejecting people that want to learn and want to become better at it. i think it's dumb to accept all the perfectly polished and fine-tuned kids. because what about the kids who just want to learn and try? it's the same with art school. one of the reasons why i don't want to apply to a design school is because your portfolio has to be fucking magnificent. in other words, only the hardcore live-and-breathe-art kids can really have a shot. for people who do it in their spare time and are possibly interested in expanding it further into a potential career? pfft, there goes your chances. i just don't like this bias.

but anyways, i think i'm dealing with everything ok. i just have to continually tell myself to breathe and just try to be happy. now about 3 years ago, i wouldn't and i would do the opposite and yell and rebel and scream against whatever it was that was pushing me back. but i guess sometimes.. you just need to deal with it. be passive.

i am totally putting off studying for spanish but what's the point. it's a test from sr. murphy. honestly, i wouldn't know anything even if i did study.

i have halloween cut and bake cookies. i'm kind of excited about that. :D oh how simple and pathetic my life has become.

i really like stars now. thank you, helen.